Here's the drill!
I have been sitting at this desk for 15 hours today, and I am gonna set things straight!
I don't have a lot left in me. I have truly realized that I am a different person over here in Iraq!
I was emailing back and forth with a buddy in MN, and it was cool a lot came to me! I have been dealing with all that crap I had mentioned earlier this week, and I now know why they have laws for us soldiers while we are gone! The reason is that I am in no frame of mind to speak on my own behalf. I think of things WAY differently than ANYONE in the states(Not just me, but ANy deployed person). see when I first got here, I was scared shitless, I won't lie! I heard from people leaving and it is just unimaginable what to expect. Now over here, I don't have ANY fear, of ANYTHING! That is not good, and it sounds noble, but no one understands that back home!
I try to be afraid sometimes, but I am not! I am not afraid of anyone back in the states or the rhetoric they throw at me! I don't want to feel this way, it just comes with the territory! I am now acclimated to war! It is a frame of mind that I had heard about, but never believed! I never wanted to travel over her, yet that is what my job is! Traveling gets you killed! But I still will because I have to. I chose to be in this profession, and I am proud to do what I do, and even WHERE I do it! This is WHY I do it. For WAR! Sounds like a weird concept, but it is reality! I use this site to communicate, and it helps greatly that SO many people support me, and when people don't, I feel they are no better than the terrorists! That is MY mindframe right now! Now, may have said things in other past posts that I have had personal issues with and I feel strongly about those issues, and I did not mean for them to be personal attacks! I still feel VERY strong about those thngs, but I am in no mind to be in my right mind! I hope everybody gets me on that! I sent a smart ass email to a lawyer that sent me a letter to my address here, and I don't get why someone would have the balls to take my mind off the mission like that, but that is the American way! Litigation! I will come over here to protect our litigation system! I will come over here to let us have civil suits that hurt alot of people, but that is what we're about in the states right? Protecting our Freedom of Speech to have it thrown right back at us!
that is OK with me, because that is what we are! We have the right to do those things!
You pick your battles, and I will fight mine. When you are gone from everything you have, most of all my 3 beautiful kids and gorgeous wife, you die for a little bit, and sometimes it feels like you are dead! But I cannot even try to explain what I feel all the time! Yes, I am depressed, anxious, fearless, all those things! I can't begin to worry about problems at home! I can't worry about why someone would have a total disregard for people I love dearly! I can't worry about people that hate me! I don't worry about those things, I get pissed! That is not how I am at home, but it is how I am right now! You talk about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I will have it. All will have it here! Going back to the states is a different world. Yeah, I am sick of smelling Palm wood burning, dust EVERYWHERE, chants from the mosques at prayer time, complaining about the chow at our sweet chow hall, walking a mile to get to my room, dealing with the politics of a chain of command. Being tasked with peacetime bullshit in a war, stting at this fricking desk, hearing people from MEDCOM complain that people weren't uploaded in the system, and finding out why, planning missions, checking equipment, signing out equipment, getting phone calls from people about equipment because they were in space during training, staying up all night to get someone at the airport when they didn't bother to call you saying they never took off, listening to the same thng over and over, travelling, getting flights, waiting for them, and getting those flights canceled, and I could go on til tommorow! But this is what I do, and I am not even in the streets! Yes, WAR IS HELL, no matter where you are! My wife gave me some advice today in that she said try talking about day to day stuff again on your post, people would probably like to hear that better than our problems. I agree!!!!
I don't ever mean to hurt people personally, and I feel empty when I do. I don't mean to say thing that other might misconstrue! I do it all for good meaning but it doesn't make me feel better! I feel like shit, and that is not what I am all about! I Love People, and I want the best for EVERYONE. That is why I am here! Obviously in America we don't all agree on things, but we love each other for being Americans! I want the troops to be supported, and I want the families to have EVERYTHING they need to cope! It is hard as hell for them! Going to some of the sites of family members, you want to cry at what they go through without their loved ones! I made a choice with my wife to be in the military, and I wouldn't have it any other way! I know life goes on when I am gone, but to me it is like the world has stopped for a year, because I can't control it! I don't have the energy right now to really be fair in my assessment of things thrown at me, but I try the way that I know RIGHT now! It isn't the way it should be as an American, so I am not gonna anymore! I will leave the American fight there for you all! And I will focus on here! I really want to say I am sorry to those whom I have said things I have reacted hastily towards! You can choose to hold it against me long term and I am fine with that! I am proud to be a soldier in the best damn country ever! I will continue believing what I believe in, and I will be honest and forthcoming to you, as long as you will with me!
With that I am gonna bid Adios for a little bit! Who knows how long, but Mis, don't worry I will still be normal with you! I'll call, and email but my fingers have gotten tired of writing crap, and I really don't have a lot of positive in me! So I guess the saying is true, if you have nothing good to day, don't say it at all!
Everyone take care for now, and we'll see you in awhile!
Later,
Erik
12 Comments:
Erik,
I cannot even imagine the things you see. I am freatful I do not have to see them or deal with them on a day to day basis. The life you are living right now is so far from even the imaginations of people here in the states. We do not know the reality of war. I do not think many of us could handle it. you have every right to feel angry, depressed, and different. I think the change in thinking is almost mission required. You have to harden yourself some in order to get by. I am proud of both you and your wife for allyour sacrifices. I know that is probably hollow words, but you will return to your wife and kids and things will again be good. I think it is okay to express the ugly side of your emotions and thoughts sometimes. That is part of your everyday life and reality. I am sorry you feel that way and that not much can be said to change it, but I am more than happy to read and offer up comments whenever needed. You are right when you say you have a beautiful wife and beautiful children at home. They are so important and keep you going. Chin up guy. It will be done before you know it.
That was supposed to say greatful....oops I am such a dumbass!!!! too much blues clues I guess.
You are Erik Holtan from Cottage Grove, Minnesota - United States of America. You left the family you love to serve your country -which you also love. You do the very best you can with what you have and who you are. Nobody could ask for more.
Love from Kathy - your favorite aunt-in-law - Andover, Minnesota
USA.
Erik - I really can't improve on what Katy said, but I'll just add my gratitude that we have such wonderful people as you to wear the uniform and serve. And also grateful that you have a loving and supportive family who will keep you grounded.
If the blog is making it harder for you to do the mission and keep your head where it needs to be, then we are optional. Do what you need to do for you, for the men and women you serve with, and for your family.
Erik - consider checking out pitchblackcraziness.blogspot.com - he posted some lyrics the other day that may take you to a happy place for a moment as you think about your wife and cherubs!
Erik,
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for what you are having to go through right now. I can't een imagine, and I don't have the slightest clue, so how could I judge you. You are only trying to protect the people that you love so dearly, and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with that. We are all so proud of you and what you stand for. If you need to gripe about your angry, I say go for it, cause it is not good to keep it all inside. Please know that we all care about you and all the other soldiers fighting for our country. I am glad that you would not be anyother place, that makes us that much more proud to support you. So please try to keep your sanity, and voice your opinion, there are plenty of us who will try our very best to help in whatever way we can.
STAY SAFE AND COME HOME SOON.
Erik, my dear cyber friend. I hate hearing the pain you have in your post. Your are a very special man. I know that this experience can make you change. I have seen it in my son. I want to tell you something, just yesterday he called home, I wasn't there, no one was. He left a depressing sounding message. It went like this, "Mom I just got in. I tried to call Kat but I could not get her, have you talked to her." Then he goes on to say in an almost irritated sounding voice, "Hey mom, get that message you have on your answering machine, off of there. I can't stand it. It irritates the hell out of me. Okay, now that I am done being a jerk, I'll call you later." Now all this message said is, "you have reached 986- 2817. Please leave a message." It is in my voice.That irritated him. I imagine he is feeling what you are feeling. We all have to get use to the change in our soldiers, and hope you all can leave this experience behind you when you come back home. Remember you are always in my prayers and you certainly have helped me with all of this (Iraq stuff). It was meant for me to find you and believe it or not it was meant for me to read your post today. All things happen for a reason and believe me what went on this week happened because it needed too. Please don't stay away to long. God Bless you and keep you safe until later...I'll be waiting to see you on here soon. Remember, things look darkest before the dawn. Thank you Erik for serving our country.
Erik, I am new to your blog, so I am in the dark on the whole controversy going on ---- but if ANYONE had the balls to present a political OPINION to you on the Iraq War, I would be more than willing to slap them around a little bit for you.
NO ONE WHO IS NOT GOING THROUGH THIS SITUATION should get to sit back and opinionize on Iraq to a soldier or to the soldier's family. PERIOD. It is completely and utterly disrespectful.
I feel like I have earned a little bit of a right to what I believe about the Iraq War - because I am going through it first hand with Al --- but he is the real one with the right to choose what he feels about the situation. Because he is living it right now - every day - 100% of the time.
I'm not saying that every red blooded American on the street doesn't have the liberty to choose what they believe about the Iraq war or anything else in the world either - just that they need to have enough respect for your situation and your uniform to not bring it up to you right now.
Your job for the rest of your deployment isn't to be Mr. Nice Guy - your job isn't even to worry about people back in the States or what they believe or what they think or what they 'feel' - your job is the BS that you go through every day - and unless somebody is a piece of crap American they SHOULD NOT be doing anything to take your mind off the task at hand - and it is THEIR JOB as an AMERICAN to support you 100%.
I am really sick of people ripping down our president and ripping down our military. You can have your belief, but you don't have to attack the core of our nation. If Kerry would have won the election - I would NOT have liked it - and I would have been very upset. BUT, I would have been respectful in my opinions - and as soon as that man was sworn in as Commander-in-Chief - that would have been it for me - at that moment, he would have become Al's boss - and as such, no matter how much I disagreed with his decisions or tactics - I would have RESPECTED his position.
That's the big thing that I don't get about any of this. I don't understand how, in a war time situation, that people can sit back and say and do the things that they do. The War WILL be won in Iraq - the President and our US Soldiers WILL do their job --- but they will get along a lot farther in everything if they had a little freaking support. If people think things are so terrible over there, and if they can't believe how many of our soldiers are being killed - or if they want us out quicker - THEN SUPPORT THE ACTUAL PEOPLE THAT ARE THERE AND ENCOURAGE THEM TO GET THEIR JOB DONE IN AN EFFICIENT AND TIMELY FASHION INSTEAD OF BEING YET ANOTHER BOINKING ROADBLOCK IN THEIR PATH!!
I am so sorry that people have made you feel like you can't share your true feelings anymore - I hope that in time you will feel comfortable blogging again - and I really look forward to your future posts too. I stand behind you not just as a United States citizen who sees the importance of supporting our military effort in a war time situation - but I also stand behind you as a fellow Army wife (a soon to be one anyway, lol)- just I stand behind Al. I see first hand the pain that you are dealing with - and whether you are in Baghdad, Fallujah or a 'safer' location - it still sucks - A LOT.
Anyone else who can't see that - and that can't choose to support you right now is a self-centered piece of junk and isn't a 'real' American.
Erik, Just know that what you are doing is supported by the majority of us.. no matter what the media tells you. We are so grateful to everyone over there and hope you return safely. I'm gonna have my brother drop you a line... he was there about a year ago. I know there are things that he doesn't share with us that he might be able to share with you. Again, my deepest gratitude.
Erik,
Remember my friend, that people love you and are grateful to you..and that we will be here as friends waiting for you to return to your posts, and as Americans waiting for your return home to your loving family.
Very nice site! »
Keep up the good work » » »
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